Addicted to Freedom

I've been back in the U.S. more than a month. I'm not sure exactly why my blog entries dropped off, except that when I feel truly alive and every moment excites me, I tend to spend less time reliving and recounting the past. This also occurs in times of major life-shifts. I've experienced both in the last six weeks. When I considered what type of life I would be creating for myself here, it was suddenly liberating to realize that I could create that life ANYWHERE. I could find a job and rent a small apartment on any continent in the world. This led to a moment of expansion as I realized that I'm not just living as an American anymore. I'm living as a world resident. There are reasons for me to stay in my present location, where I have support and where there is a bit of familiarity as I test out this new reality. But every piece of the familiar that I add back to my life, and every new addition, is subject to it's ability to fit with who I am. I recognize that what was missing in my life before was CONGRUENCE. I talked all the time about what I wanted, what I dreamed of, what I hungered for. And there were surges of energy to fight for it and against what was holding me back. But I couldn't see where I was avoiding setting boundaries or taking positive action or eliminating what was in my way. It was easy to distract myself from admitting that I'm not living the way I would like to. I abused the abundance I had.
Recently I found myself asking for the things that I want in my life as I have done thousands of times before. But this time it felt different, because it was though a part of me stood back and asked, "If you receive all this from the world, what does the world get for it? What will you give back? Why should you have this life?" It wasn't a question of worthiness and whether I deserved what I was asking for, but more a question of knowing that this can easily be provided for me, but it has to be put to good use in order to continue.
After the taste of freedom and complete unlimited liberty that I have had, instead of asking for what I want, I've begun to ask that I be given the courage and shown the way to pay the price of knowingly living that life now. Because to me, that is the beginning of everything. Free from any need to live in a way that is outside of my truest self and happiness, aligned with my truth and integrity, produces nothing but energy that will benefit the world.

La Fortuna

I'm getting better at making snap decisions. I decided yesterday afternoon to travel to La Fortuna with a group of Canadians that I met. For $12 there is a tour known as Jeep-Boat-Jeep that leaves from Monteverde and arrives in La Fortuna at the base of Volcan Arenal in the course of three hours.

Unfortunately the two days I was in La Fortuna it rained constantly. Holed up in a hostel the only American among six Canadians, I was suddenly the target of healthcare debates and the verbal destruction of American politics. We argued and laughed and drank beer and vodka until we decided to brave the rain and go to the local bar for karaoke night. The problem with karaoke here is that it never ends.

Without question the highlight of La Fortuna is the volcano. There is a power around Volcan Arenal that inspires because it is alive. It commands respect through it's unpredictability and expression in bursts of smoke, fire and earthquakes. I have now seen several volcanoes in Central America, but I haven't loved any of them as I love Arenal. The volcano lays down a challenge and dares you to be afraid.

Big Owen

I need to dedicate at least part of this post to my self-appointed body-guard and travel partner, Big O. Since we've now known each other for five days, been through a couple adventures and gotten drunk togther (we met in Bocas), we've been friends most of our lives. Or at least that's what it feels like.

I would be hard-pressed to name a better friend on this trip than Owen. He's been around at exactly the moment I needed some company; easy to talk to, full of humor, up for anything. And at 6'5" he's not a bad body-guard should I ever need one. I haven't yet.

This morning Owen and I decided that we should do at least one nature appreciation tour during our travels. Kind of like reading the Bible because you've been told it will make you a better person. Plus we needed the excercise. We set off exuberantly tramping through the Santa Elena cloud forest, talking and laughing and admiring the beauty of the trees and the jungle. That is until we realized that there are people who take their nature walks very seriously and spend hours in one place waiting for rare birds in total silence.

We stumbled upon one such group on the trail in the midst of laughing loudly over some story and were silenced by the dirty looks. It so happened that this particular group had spotted a quetzal, the national bird of Costa Rica and one the most difficult to spot in the wild. We arrived just in time to view it up close through the spotting scope. It was gorgeous, a vivid green and blood red.

After that we were more subdued and made an effort to look out for animals. Our total number spotted was two. We saw the quetzal and a wild pig. But we completed three hours of trail in an hour and forty-five minutes.

Monteverde

There are brief moments where I wish I was the type of person who always managed to capture beautiful photos of their experiences for later use in illustrating their stories and inspiring envy. But I'm not. Oh well.

After my week in Bocas del Toro, it is refreshing and invigorating to find myself in a town nestled in the mountains with a high of 75 degrees everyday and nights that are chilly enough for blankets. The opportunity for adventure is above average as well. Yesterday was my first experience on a zip-lining tour, something I began this trip intending to accomplish. I enjoyed it immensely, although I did not find it necessary to pump myself up and display my toughness quite as much as the two guys I was with.

The experience is rather surreal, as you are looking down into the valleys it's as if you are floating easily from one mountaintop to another. The views from the top were magnificent, unbelievably green jungle and mountains straight out to the ocean. Looking out over everything I had to draw a deep breath and feel the intense pleasure in silence. It seemed utterly useless and demeaning to try to put any words around it at all.

This morning I went on my second Monteverde adventure. One I would actually define as an "adventure". Zip-lining is fun, but the danger is calculated. Rather like going on an intense roller-coaster. You pretend not to know if you will make it to the other end, but you know you will.

I signed up for a canyoning tour of series of six waterfalls that run down the side of a mountain. You hike the trails to the top and rappel down from one to the other. When I found myself standing backwards at the top of the first falls, I realized that the outcome depended entirely on my strength and skill in reaching the bottom. If I got stuck it was my own fault and I'd have to figure out how to get out of it. That feeling is addictive, I recognized that I had experienced it before......when I decided to travel to Costa Rica, in Bocas, when I accepted a ride from a trucker.

But this was even better, and it brought a rush of adrenalin and a feeling of pure joy.

The largest waterfall was 114 feet from the top and by the time I reached the bottom I was in such perfect rhythm with my body that it was unbearable to stop.

Note to self; add waterfall rappelling to list of activities to continue on a regular basis.

Valentine's Day

I spent most of Valentine's Day with a trucker. A short, balding trucker named Roger. Yet by my method of measurement, it was one of the best and will go down in history as exceptional. At least until I fall in love and Valentine's Day has more significance.

This morning I decided that I wanted to travel to Monteverde with some people I had met in Bocas. I had only been back in Rosario de Naranjo for 24 hours, but I feel ready for action and I haven't had my fill of unpredictable adventure yet. By the time I did laundry, packed a bigger bag and arrived at the bus platform I realized that I had two options. Wait for a bus to San Jose and hope that I was in time to make the bus to Monteverde, or gamble everything and wait on the other side of the road for a bus to Monteverde and hope it showed up. I walked across the highway four times trying to decide which was the best option. At last I determined that it was ridiculous to go in the opposite direction to San Jose and began to wait for the Monteverde bus to pass by.

I am not a very patient person. Ten minutes of waiting and it suddenly crossed my mind what an adventure it would be to hitch-hike. I had a large knife in my pocket that an older gentleman in Bocas had given me when he discovered I was staying in a hostel and sharing a room with men (his words were "You need this more than I do"); it was the middle of the day, and I determined that if the right opportunity presented itself I would give it a shot.

Five minutes later, Roger showed up. He was alone, I happened to know that the road was well traveled and that I could jump out and run faster than he could. But more than that, I looked in his eyes and no alarm bells went off. I felt perfectly calm and secure. That will sound stupid and naieve, but it proved true. He was a gentleman the whole way, even stopping to buy me a water bottle. And I arrived in Monteverde two hours earlier than the bus. I was waiting at the bus station with a big grin on my face when my friends arrived.

I can now cross off "hitch-hiking" from my list of things to do.

Hostel Experience

I started taking a survey of how many gringo visitors of Bocas del Toro had been handed the "this is the last taxi" story in Changuinola. I discovered that nearly everyone had. I felt even better when I learned from a couple of irritated tourists that they had paid $15.

The first thing I did the following morning was check out of the hotel. I caught a taxi with a driver who couldn't speak from talking and shouting during the Carnival celebration the previous night and rode out to spend the morning at the beach with Marj and Melissa. I put off finding a new place to stay until I returned that afternoon because I found myself with a sudden fear of being alone and introducing myself to new people. When I finally swallowed the fear and checked in to Hostel Heike on the main street of Bocas, I felt a burst of excitement.

I fell in love with hostel life. Never have I been part of such a diverse, interesting, rebellious, sincere crowd of people gathered in one place. Through no conscious decision of mine, life exploded out of me and fear disappeared completely. I initiated conversations with new people and re-discovered how much I love connection. Every night I went bar-hopping with a different crowd and talked about everything and nothing. In the course of a week I went snorkeling and visited a new beach every day with whomever I happened to meet in the morning; I passed my personal record in alcohol consumption; learned to smoke; danced freely; made friends that will last and fell in and out of love. Never have I felt so present in my own person and so alive.

Bocas del Toro, Panama

Imagine.......a group of islands in the Caribbean with sunshine nearly every day and beaches of pure white sand and turquoise water. When I arrived I was filled with wicked delight that I was in a place this beautiful in February, when my home town is gray and drab and existing at 32 degrees. I love traveling!!

Today was full of new, delightful and challenging experiences. First, I learned how to travel by bus and found how surprisingly cheap and easy it is to navigate the Costa Rican bus system. We left our hotel in San Jose at 8 am this morning to catch the 10 am bus to Sixiola on the border of Panama. It was $9 for the five and a half hour bus trip. I found myself sitting next to a Tico biologist and in my broken Spanish began asking him about his family. With hesitation he informed me that he had a daughter that lived with her mother on the Pacific side. After a moment he added that he had two daughters that lived with their mother in the north. And after another moment that he had fathered a son with a woman he was currently going to see in BriBri. I smiled and tried to hide my look of astonishment that a skinny biologist had managed to accomplish all of this in between study and scientific pursuits.

We arrived in Sixiola around 4 pm and walked across the bridgethe border into Panama. I found myself nearly skipping across it I was so excited and thrilled over the idea of walking into another country. For $5 we received our entry visas and then we were met by the scam artists of Panama. Two young men had met us as we came off the bus and walked us across the border. When we had received our visas they suddenly began telling us that we needed to hurry to catch the last taxi out of town or we would miss the last water taxi to Bocas and would have to spend the night in Changuinola.

I felt my guard go up instantly. When I found myself stuffed in a pickup truck with six other people having paid $10, and watching our money be split between the four guys who had managed to get us all to agree to this ridiculous situation...... I felt a split second of rage. How dare they get the better of me! Then I burst out laughing. How many times a day do you think they manage to convince the gringos that this is the last taxi?

After an hour in the back of the pickup, we arrived at the water taxi, paid our $4 fee and found ourselves speeding across the water to the islands as the sun began to go down. We arrived in downtown Bocas in the midst of the last night of the celebration of Carnival. Up until this point I had been gleefully enjoying the moment and not thinking too much about what the next would hold. I was struck with sudden seriousness when I found myself alone in the midst of a loud crowd and was told that all the hotels and hostels were full for the celebration. One side of me felt momentary panic, but the other smiled and said "This is exactly the kind of experience you've always wanted, now what are you going to do about it?"

After an hour of walking from place to place I landed on two options, a honeymoon suite for $80 or a small, dirty hotel room with no water for $15. I opted for the hotel room, asked that the sheets be changed and the bathroom cleaned, and slept on the cleanest side of the bed with my sweatshirt for a pillow and a chair against the door in case any of the drunk people in the hall decided to investigate my room in the middle of the night. My last concious thought was "I can't believe how happy I am to be living this. But thank God I'm exhausted enough not to think about what might be in this bed."

San Jose

Generally, I don't think of myself as being an impulsive person, but I hate to miss out on opportunities for new experiences because I'm always a little afraid I'll miss something wonderful and regret it later. So when I met two girls this morning who invited me to go to San Jose and on down to Bocas del Toro in Panama, I decided in half an hour that I wanted to go. I've been on a highly introspective track for the last few days, and an adventure with an uncertain outcome sounded very appealing. Within two hours we were on the bus to downtown San Jose.



(Marj and Melissa)

I did not find San Jose to be anything remarkable, an average large city with it's own diverse population. But I found excitement being part of the crowd, and wandering around exploring with Marj and Melissa. And we had the opportunity in the evening to enjoy dancing in one of the many clubs downtown. I had been craving good salsa music and I was not disappointed.

Summary of Week 2

I ate an avacado and enjoyed it for the first time in my life (it was in fresh made guacamole, so there). I went out for a beer with a group of Tico friends for karaoke night and felt like the stiff, proper American girl that I've always been.


And that was the extent of my worldly adventures during the last week.


I had forgotten the power of spiritual adventures; of facing fears, limitations, questioning yourself and everything you have been. But while my worldly adventures have been few, my spiritual adventures have been the type that take your breath away......stir up turmoil and a beautiful type of agony and end in a new awakening. My life during the last week has consisted of numerous conversations with many different people and each one has been about me. I started out in resistance, because I avoid talking about myself.....I don't really enjoy it and it frightens me to think that I might discover something ugly. If I can ask questions and keep the focus on the other person, I remain in control and it does not require the exposure or examination of anything I may wish to keep hidden.

But there are times when people show up and ask exactly the right question. One of those people showed up for me in the form of a 40-year old Italian life coach. After my first five-minute conversation with him, I felt as though my entire inner world was breaking down. This woman I had created to present to the world; amiable, always appropriate, educated, rational and in control of herself, who knew how to answer questions in a way that never exposed her weaknesses and had answers for everyone but herself. The woman that I had been working to create my entire life, whom I presented with pride and spent enormous amounts of energy maintaining----she is not really me at all.

In fact she is the one that holds me in submission, in bondage and fear of error, she is the one slowly destroying me from the inside out. The real me is full of ignorance, impulsiveness and stupidity. The real me longs to dance along the street and be free to talk to anyone. To make enormous mistakes and learn from them.

After two days of intense conversations with this man, I've been rejoicing in my humanness. It is liberating to welcome every thought and emotion instead of burying it. I suddenly feel as though I want to tell and show everyone how beautiful it is to be alive and how perfect we all are in our imperfection. I feel a craziness to find the words, the expression that will awaken other people to that realization.

Day 5

There is a certain type of personal satisfaction to be gained when you find yourself in Central America, discussing American culture with a very sophisticated and well-traveled Italian man, and being informed that "your English is very good for an American."

One of the most appreciated activities at Vista del Valle is horseback riding. The tour goes up to the highest point in Rosario, through a coffee plantation of vast proportions. The views from along the tour are exceptional.

Day 4 - CARNIVAL!

There is a fourteen day celebration in Palmares known as the celebration of Carnival. The inspiration for this celebration is Carnival in Brazil, and the celebration in Palmares is one of the best and largest in Costa Rica. People from all over the country come to witness the parade. I don't think it is any secret that the people of Central America know how to party and enjoy themselves. And when beer is plentiful, other things follow.......

But what I enjoy is the vivacity and the excitement. I traveled into Palmares with a family with three children and a mother and daughter traveling together, all of whom I met at Vista del Valle. In keeping with the popular policy of Central America, which is to cram as many people as possible into a single vehicle, we had to persuade our driver to allow all of us to fit in his small SUV. With some effort and ingenuity we managed to fit nine people into a vehicle with five seats, under the condition that some of us would hit the floor if we encountered a policeman. This made for a slightly tense and hilarious ride, with people ducking their heads in panic whenever a policeman was thought to be near.

By all reports the parade was supposed to begin at 6 pm. But after an hour of waiting we decided to abandon our post and go in search of food. Walking along the street, savoring chicken skewers grilled street-side, I was completely immersed in observing the people and the activity. The scene was much like that of a state fair in the US. Vendors along the street selling food, the typical "Pirate Ship" ride and bumper cars. Loud music blaring and announcers shouting into microphones held too close to their mouths, making everything they said incomprehensible. The spirit was infectious.

The parade included floats advertising Coca-Cola ridden by women in short red skirts and knee-high black boots; traditional dancers and drummers in sequined and feathered costumes; fire trucks and sports cars (including a Porsche and a Jaguar); and children in costume with giant paper-mache masks.

Day 3

There is incredible beauty to be witnessed here. The type of beauty that suddenly makes you feel closer to knowing what "living" is supposed to be. This morning I hiked around the property and explored extensively. I found the path to a breathtaking waterfall buried in the valley. Then I circled back and discovered the path to the top of the waterfall.

(Top of the falls looking over the edge)

I've realized what an incredibly disconcerting event it is to suddenly recognize the vastness of your own ignorance. It's like looking in a mirror that suddenly shows you only your imperfections. I found myself at dinner the only woman among several men, all of whom are involved in some grand mission to save the world. All of whom are very well educated and passionate about their work. A minister from South Africa with a church of 3000. A former minister who manages a trust fund that supports ministries in countries around the world. An Italian life coach that is famous for his training of leaders and personnel. Never have I experienced a feeling of being so alone and out of my element. I felt like an uneducated child, without even a firm plan for the future. When asked what I do I produced vague answers such as "I'd like to be a writer," or "I've studied energy medicine and kinesiology." And then I prayed no one would ask me further questions and would just allow me to listen to the conversation and ask questions of my own.

Perhaps that is part of the challenge of a major transition, acknowledging ignorance and allowing oneself to be without a particular identity as defined by social standards. By learning to have grace for yourself in that situation, you can persist in discovering what type of identity you would like to create for yourself.

Day 2

One of the head cooks in the restaurant of Vista del Valle approached me today and invited me to join her in the kitchen. I immediately accepted and ended up spending the entire afternoon chopping onions and peppers and chicken and talking and laughing with all the women working. Something I admire about the people of Central America is their ability to have a good time, no matter what they happen to be doing. It was also an excellent opportunity to practice my Spanish and I discovered with delight that I can understand a great deal of what was being said. In fact it became a joke in the kitchen that "Raquel puede entender mucho espanol, cuidado." And the chef (the only man in the kitchen) began joking that even the American in his kitchen is a woman and pretended to be disgruntled by his lack of male allies.

I spent the evening at a barbeque with a group of men from around the world who are involved in environmental conservation. It was fascinating to learn about the background of each person. One gentleman was from northern California and has begun purchasing property to reforest with redwood trees. Another from California owns several vineyards and is interested in beginning sustainable tourism projects. And yet another is a native Costa Rican, who graduated from Harvard and returned to Costa Rica as the head of distribution for Coca-Cola. After retiring from this position he began leading tours through Costa Rica and is growing and distributing a type of bamboo that once treated can be used as a building material because it has strength equivalent to steel.

Day 1

Today was the first day of my new life. I arrived in Costa Rica yesterday afternoon, and have now settled in El Rosario at Vista del Valle Resort to learn what is involved in the creation of a grand dream. Since the owners of Vista del Valle are part of the small group of people I know who dream on a scale almost beyond what I can comprehend, it seemed like the perfect place to begin.
The first lesson I've learned is about courage. Mike and Johanna created Vista del Valle from nothing. Moved to Costa Rica from the United States, purchased the land and hired local workers to build. They began with a single building that became their home and the reception area for the hotel.....eventually expanding to include several cottages, a swimming pool and a restaraunt all overlooking a valley that takes your breath away. This grew into the thriving business it is today; run by a staff that continuously impress with their friendliness, warm welcome and impeccable service. But that has only been the beginning. They have begun work to create a medical clinic, a school and a volunteer center. Because of their passion to protect Costa Rica's natural resources they now have a network with people around the world who are involved in creating sustainable communities that replenish the environment.
The extent of their dream is remarkable and inspiring, but what I find even more remarkable is how they accomplish all this with an attitude of faith and peace. Mike and Johanna seem to approach every new situation with the belief that they can create and that it will be simple if you make it so. It may take time, but eventually it will come to pass. It is a courage that comes from a deeper belief in compassion, in beauty and the goodness of the earth and everything on it. But it also comes from opening and accepting their own power. The power of the universe acting through them.
I learned of another type of courage today from an ordinary man who grows lettuce. This was the type of courage that stems from recognizing your own personal value. Using a method that involves growing the plants in raised beds lined with plastic and filled with small pebbles of volcanic rock that he waters daily, he produces heads of lettuce that are so pristine and beautiful that I gazed at them in awe. He has filled the entire front and back lawn of his small home with these beds, and recently expanded to include cleared areas on the other side of the road. It was delightful to witness his pride in showing us what he produces, making an income far above that of his neighbors. And he does this simply because he knows he can, and because he believes enough in himself to know that he can create a good life for himself and his family.

Dreaming

In the last year I have met many amazing people. People who believe in living with a purpose, in living a life of larger scope than the standard college-job-retirement plan that so many Americans have swallowed without question. It is encouraging to me to have friends and family that support me and cheer me on to expanding my horizons, to satisfying a thirst for adventure. At the same time, these people remind me that there is adventure all around me, that there is just as much excitement to be found in building a meaningful relationship as there is in a trip around the world.
But the most wonderful gift the people in my life have given to me is a belief that I am capable of living my wildest dreams. That there is no reason for me to pursue something just because it is easy or safe if it doesn't make me happy.....but that I am worthy of living those big dreams. Many people I have met speak of what they really want as though it "may happen, someday." But what I think most of them believe is that they are not worthy of living out that beautiful, perfect life they imagine. And it is easy to settle into a lifestyle of work that brings no fulfillment because then dissatisfaction can be blamed on circumstances. How many people do you meet in a day who want to complain about their job, and at the same time tell you how impossible it is for them to make any change?
When we chase dreams that are truly our own, there is no one to blame for the results but ourselves. And in a society of people who find security and acceptance in being a victim of circumstances, that can be a frightening and lonely position. The purpose of this blog is for me to record my experiments with building a life entirely of my own dreams. Entirely of my own creation. I have already experimented with a lifestyle of duty and security. And in the midst of that experiment, I always felt as though an integral part of me was being suppressed. Passion. Excitement. I suppose at the bottom of my heart I truly believe that I deserve to wake up every day and feel a surge of excitement over what the day holds for me. To feel as though there is nothing else on earth as exciting as living my life.